1. “Gosh, a lot of you are actually driving very sensibly” — which is a shame, because a lot of them actually are for once.
2. “Your strategy of revving it high, throwing it in first and then rapidly releasing the clutch has achieved its predictable effect in making you go sideways. Why do you look so perplexed?” — because not everyone has quite got the hang of it.
3. “I don’t care, ma’am, if one word from your children could bring peace to the Middle East: I am not walking in the road to avoid them when you have them strung out across the entire pavement.” — because I am not always completely lovely to everyone
4. “Yes, you’re right; your rear fog intensifier *should* be turned on, even though there is no snow and visibility is perfect. It is, as you so astutely surmise, an infra-red lamp which melts away the snow to the benefit of the driver following you. You are being public-spirited and are not merely an idiot who is blinding everyone.” — because sometimes I’m not above low sarcasm
5. “Would you like to get in?” — which I would have said, after stopping and opening the boot, to the woman following me home from work, who had dyed her hair three shades darker and whose roots were starting to show. Not that she was close or anything.
6. “This looks just like a chocolate box” — because it really does, down my road. Smoke curling out of chimneys, tree branches laden with snow, little fox footprints everywhere…

Do feel free to share your own words of wisdom, frustration or delight in the comments….