darklooks.com

One and all,

Thank you for agreeing to come along to Shell and Mike’s 30th (60th?) birthday cruise this Saturday: we look forward enormously to seeing you.

This seemed like an opportune moment to do our own FAQ, and what a monster it is. Read on for all knowledge relevant to your forthcoming entrance to society….

1) What Should I Wear?
In a departure from previous form, we are not specifying a dress code this year. We will be moderately smart, but if you are a Scruffy Friend, know that we love and honour your scruffiness and would not want you to change on our account. You should however bear in mind that the temperature on the outside (smokers’) deck is likely to be in the region of three degrees Kelvin and should therefore dress appropriately for conditions in which helium is a liquid exhibiting no measurable viscosity and the oxygen condenses out of your breath spontaneously. The rest of the boat is covered and toasty. Likewise, boats are not renowned for their motionlessness: those of you considering white leatherette slingback stilettos may wish to rethink your footwear options (wellies?) in the interests of surviving swell, wash, and similar perilous nautical movements.

2) Where Do I Show Up?
At Westminster Pier (see entry 9 below)

3) When Do I Show Up?
At 6pm at the latest (see entry 6 below)

4) Can I Bring This Random Friend I Just Met?
Have a little chat with us about this one. Boats, we discover, have limited capacity.

5) What Are We Doing Afterwards?
We are even now sourcing a suitably charming late-licensed chamber in which which to continue comfortably disporting ourselves until the Wee Small Hours once 10pm has come around and we have left the open river behind. Await further instructions. If fate o’ertakes you and you miss the boat, ring one of us and ask for instructions on where to meet later.

6) Can I Be Late?
“Yes but.” You can indeed be late, but it is, non-negotiably, an all-or-nothing thing. If you are late, the boat *will*, beyond all doubt, leave without you. We are sorry. Please allow plenty of time, blah blah blah. But we’re serious. You will miss out completely, and we will miss you, and it will _all be your fault_. No pressure.

7) Do I Really Have To Pay You?
There are one or two who have said they are coming but haven’t actually communicated with us at all about payment. Our current plans involve waving (from the boat) at you (on the pier) as the boat departs. If you are one of this dearly beloved but slight-irritation-inducing band, please get in touch soonest.

Will There Be A Six-Course Sit-Down Supper?
No, but there will be a reasonable amount of buffet-age. Don’t rely on it as a complete evening meal, but do please eat your share.

9) Where Is Westminster Pier?
There is a map here: http://tinyurl.com/36jbnl

10) What Is The Nearest Tube Station?
Westminster. Are we getting through?

11) What Is The Tube?
Parking in Westminster is scarce. We recommend http://www.scooterman.co.uk/ if you are a hardened driver as there is a cash bar and we do expect you to buy yourselves a small drinkie later in the evening.

12) Am I Staying At Yours?
Not unless you’ve asked nicely first, or, in my case, are _like totally dreamy_.

13) Who Am I?
I don’t know, sorry. This may help: http://tinyurl.com/yr643a — but if not, good luck to you.

14) I Am Itching To View And Share Photos Of Your Cruise
Add me (darklooks) or Shell (Stunt Girl) as a contact on Flickr.com and we will invite you to join a private group for exactly this purpose; alternatively, try Canesten, and cutting refined sugars out of your diet. If symptoms persist, contact a healthcare professional. Contains a source of phenylalanine.

Bless you one and all,
Shell and Mike.

PS: Saturday. 2nd Feb. 6pm. Westminster Pier, London. Be there.