dark looks » Militancy

Is This Really The End Of The World?

Mike — Thu, 20 May 2010 20:16:19 +0000

So the coalition has released its agreed priorities with admirable promptness. Glad I didn’t bother with the manifestos; now I can read two at once.

Disclosure: I am a non-politico, but I have friends with strongly held views across the spectrum. And I also understand the difference between a stated intent and an executed policy, but I am essentially handing out the rope here for these good folks to use.

But essentially, I was kind of hoping we’d get the Tories doing the financial stuff and the LibDems doing the social stuff, because the Tories may have detoxed after the bitter insult of Section 28, but I am not going to blindly start trusting them without some evidence of goodwill. The work is for them to do, not me.

Overall verdict: a lot of fine words, a lot of stuff I want to think about more, but this may not be the end of all things as we know them.

Numbers on their own on a line are page changes; numbers followed by text indicate sections in the document. Even where I had nothing to say I’ve put the headings in in case something occurs to me.

9
1 Banking
“First free national financial advice service” sounds sound
2 Business
10
“opportunities for employee ownership” in Royal Mail — is this the John Lewis Partnership model finally taking hold?

“end the ban on social tenants starting businesses in their own homes” — Jesus, this wasn’t allowed? “You’re poor! stay where you belong!” Awful.

11
3 Civil Liberties

The aspects of Labour’s government which most distressed me — that a party that freed me from S28, an unequal age of consent, and the offence of Gross Public Indecency should seek so much control and take such an authoritarian/managerial approach to society crushed me a little bit.

Freedom Bill — well, until you say what’s in it, that’s meaningless. Look at what was supposed to be in the last Coroners Bill.

Scrapping ID cards– hooray, I am safer already

Review libel laws — review, uncharacteristically modest language from these wild rebels… expect whatever we get, I suppose.

“British Bill of Rights” — tacit acknowledgement that previous Tory policy on HRA was bonkers although this new policy may not be unproblematic

4 Communities and local government

“radical devolution” — yes, but what does that mean? Problems when there is a centre still left to be blamed, whether or not it was responsible.

“radical planning reform” — well, won’t find many people who agree with current system, but is that because planning is basically doomed but necessary? “Open Source Planning”? Jesus, these people. Oh wait — it really exists! As you might expect, link to actual Open Source is tenuous and sort of first-year English student-y.

“fast track process for major infrastructure projects” –> like 3rd runway, no doubt. Achem. Or alternatively concreting over an estuary and moving Heathrow 40 miles to the east.

“publish and present to Parliament” — nice to see the old girl getting a look in, let’s see whether this lot are really any better than Labour

“national planning framework” – done right this is good; principles agreed in a representative forum, implementation left locally. What will appeals and difficult decisions look like?

12
“more protection against aggressive bailiffs” – not controversial, surely.

“phase out the ring-fencing of grants to local government and review the unfair Housing Revenue Account” — now, let me see … this is decentralising budgetary control, isn’t it? OK, so there’s money behind the rhetoric. The HRA is a new one on me although something about being allowed to keep the revenue on selling off council houses or something comes to mind… anyone?

“give councils a general power of competence” — hmm, legalistic language. What does that mean? What powers will now be in the less-scrutinised hands of the local council rather than the well-reported-upon national government (btw, that’s an argument for stronger local reporting, not necessarily for weaker local govt)

“tougher rules to stop unfair competition by local authority newspapers” – i.e. there are rules at the moment which aren’t working. Our council used to publish an eminently recyclable glossy with a periodical hagiography of a council member and some pseudo-lifestyle nonsense padding it out — which I assume was at my expense since it had, as I remember, little in the way of advertising. I can’t say as I blame them. But then the council always seemed to be the main advertiser in our local free weekly anyway. Maybe it’s worth obliging papers to carry council notices free to preserve their financial independence? Can’t think that would help any of them keep afloat, though….

“review the effectiveness of the raising of the stamp duty threshold for first-time buyers” — and do what as a result? It’s the dreaded “review” again….

5 Consumer protection

“ban excessive interest rates on credit and store cards” – hard to believe there are people out there who don’t know these things are a bad idea and use them nonetheless, but this I’m sure they do. And it’s hardly the most scrupulous of markets.

“introduce a seven-day cooling-off period for store cards” — how will this work? A quick check suggests that such a thing doesn’t work at the moment — the model generally seems to be “10% off if you take out a card today and pay on it” which means this actually spells an additional end to selling people on the card under the influence of an impulse purchase. Humans are terribly irrational in these situations so this can only be good sense in tackling the black hole of personal debt.

“oblige credit card companies to provide better information to their customers in a uniform electronic format” – yippee! Standardised data enable comparison; standardised format of standardised data enables automation of comparison. Now those online best-product services can tell you how credit cards compare far more easily. Warning: standards are *difficult*. This kind of thing, of course, makes it all the more important that the record industry can’t cut your internet connection off just because your kids are accused (accused only, mind) of downloading songs in violation of copyright without judicial oversight. But hey. Associated with someone formally innocent of a minor civil offence? You shouldn’t be allowed to know which financial products are best for you! (yes, I know the burden of proof varies in civil and criminal cases, but hey. When did I ever let that get in the way of a good bit of rhetoric?)

13
“an Ombudsman in the OFT who can proactively enforce the Grocery Supply Code of Practice” — either very good if tackling the giant supermarket chains, or awful if it means they pick suppliers outside OFT’s jurisdiction instead of UK growers/producers…. Also, full marks for using English’s only loan word from Swedish.

“‘off-grid’” made it into the programme for government? I can’t imagine this under Thatcher.

6 Crime and Policing

“We will ban the sale of alcohol below cost price” not unreasonable….

14
“We will promote better recording of hate crimes against disabled, homosexual and transgender people, which are frequently not centrally recorded” — I get a whiff of weasel about this and would love to see what it means in practice. What’s the problem– the hate crime or the lack of central recording? But it’s good to see trans- as well as cis- people in there.

“We will not permanently ban a substance without receiving full advice from the Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs” — mealy-mouthed again. A rolling temporary ban would have much the same effect, and receiving advice is far from the same as acting in accordance with it. They’re stuck exactly where Labour were here and I don’t expect to see anything very much different in their attitude towards science in this area. Don’t forget: Facts are irrelevant, principles are what matter. People are less important than ideas. How many tractors have you produced in Ukraine this year, comrade? Hmph.

“review the operation of the Extradition Act — and the US/UK extradition treaty — to make sure it is even-handed” — again, reviewing is not the same as committing to action, but “make sure” sounds better. Gary McKinnon has a hope yet.

7 Culture, Ol**pics, Media and Sp**t (pardon the language, but I feel I have to report it)

“maintain the independence of the BBC, and give the NAO full access to the BBC’s accounts to ensure transparency” — sounds like LDs tempered wilder Tory desire to generally shaft Aunty, but financial shafting could be coming anyway given opening of accounts. Am not a licence-fee payer so don’t get an entitlement to an opinion, I guess.

“encourage the performance of more live music” providing, presumably, that it is not characterised by the emission of a succession of repetitive beats, or being played by people with disreputable hairstyles?

8 Defence

Some really rather good things, here.

“providing support for ex-Service personnel to study at university” — huzzah. HM Forces can be a great force for social progress but many of the people who put their lives on the line (and their families on a roller skate) for their country are doing so at a time when their contemporaries are taking ‘A’ levels and getting all the familiar letters and experiences that employers often use as a sine qua non when recruiting. Here’s hoping this is for all ex-Service personnel, and not just the Ruperts.

“extra support for veteran mental health needs” — veterans with mental health problems are a shockingly large proportion of our prison population. We should be helping.

“reviewing the rules governing the awarding of medals” — er… what? What’s the problem we’re addressing here?

“look at whether there is scope to refurbish Armed Forces’ accommodation from efficiences within the Ministry of Defence” — I grew up knowing only that PSA was useless. When I was in my teens, our married quarter was fitted with central heating for the first time — in the 1990s. You can’t tell me there’s no scope for increased efficiency amongst things in the MoD that are frankly less important than providing decent accommodation to Service personnel and their families.

9 Deficit Reduction

9th of 31, eh? Get some nice things in before the pain…

10 Energy and Climate Change

“LDs have long opposed any new nuclear construction. Conservatives, by contrast, are committed to allowing the replacement of existing nuclear power stations provided that they are subject to the normal planning process for major projects (under a new National Planning Statement), and also provided that they receive no public subsidy.” Has anyone here read Sustainable Energy — without the hot air? No, didn’t think so. But sensible tackling head on of contentious matter and how it will be handled.

11 Env food and rural affairs

I know nothing: I am but a simple shoemaker.

12 Equalities

Interesting to look at who gets to be equal — it’s still little groups of people whose equality isn’t quite up to scratch yet, rather than just everyone. Which I don’t actually have a problem with, btw: it’s just another example where you have to compromise on the purity of an idea to achieve something approaching it in reality.

“right to request… to all employees” — nice, although to my mind the right is actually to have the request considered, not to make it in the first place. Acknowledges more people could benefit from flexible working (and society in general, too, if done right, I guess….)

“stop the deportation of asylum seekers who have had to leave particular countries because their sexual orientation or gender identification puts them at proven risk of imprisonment, torture or execution” — but I suspect that this was to some extent what the old system was, too: there was just a set of decisions that said, No, no, being gay in Iran is fine, no risk there. How is this going to avoid doing that, or is it just fine words?

13 Europe

*FOOM!*

14 Families and Children

“investigate a new approach to helping families with multiple problems” — yes, you’re right, this Big Society idea is brash and bold, isn’t it?

“take steps to tackle the… sexualisation of childhood” — bearing in mind that children do exhibit sexual behaviours and characteristics, and it’s probably better to address the issues rather than banning sex education. A whole raft of things could be behind this.

15 Foreign Affairs

16 Government Transparency

“We will require public bodies to publish online the job titles of every member of staff and the salaries and expenses of senior officials paid more than the lowest salary permissible in Pay Band 1 of the Senior Civil Service pay scale, and organograms that include all positions in those bodies.” — wow, Organograms! Didn’t they have those in Barbarella?

“We will require anyone paid more than the Prime Minister in the centrally funded public sector to have their salary signed off by the Treasury.” Fair enough. Providing that the sign off is, like, actually hard to get.

“We will create a level playing field for open- source software and will enable large ICT projects to be split into smaller components.” I mean, fine… but the yoke between these two clauses is not an obvious one. I wouldn’t mind a signpost. But then I’m reading in a hurry.

“We will create a new ‘right to data’ so that government-held datasets can be requested and used by the public, and then published on a regular basis.” — slightly curious really that data produced for our servants at our collective expense isn’t already available in this way as a standard part of gathering it, but I guess you need new brooms de temps en temps.

In sum: all the numbers go on the internets. Which seems fair enough. Look at what theyworkforyou have achieved with this sort of data about governance. Lots of potential (good and bad), but seldom do better decisions result from less knowledge. Providing the data are interpreted right and treated with caution. Where’s the National Statistician in all this?

17 Immigration

“end the detention of children for immigration purposes” — and it was Labour who brought this in, yes? Labour. For shame.

18 International Development

“honour our commitment to spend 0.7% of GNI on overseas aid from 2013, and to enshrine this commitment in law” — not bad in these economic circumstances.

“review what action can be taken against ‘vulture funds’” Note that VFs, unlike every other bit of terminology here, don’t qualify for capital letters because they are Evil. But it’s the “r” word again….

19 Jobs and Welfare

I can’t bring myself to think about this, really I can’t.

“We will re-assess all current claimants of Incapacity Benefit for their readiness to work” oh, bugger, I’ve started anyway. Here we go again. Has your permanent disability cleared up yet? Has your leg grown back? I don’t mind saying you’re going to cut off non-genuine claimants, but isn’t this a bit like accusing everyone in the country of fraud and then prosecuting them all to find out who was really guilty? ‘Twas ever thus.

20 Justice

“We will introduce a ‘rehabilitation revolution’ that will pay independent providers to reduce reoffending, paid for by the savings this new approach will generate within the criminal justice system.” Er, doesn’t it have to generate the savings before you can spend them?

“We will change the law so that historical convictions for consensual gay sex with over- 16s will be treated as spent and will not show up on criminal records checks.” I’m finding it hard to accuse this lot of pervasive homophobia right now, you know. Not a squeak of “Won’t someone think of the children?”

“We will extend anonymity in rape cases to defendants.” Laudable in a country with a press as hysterical and prurient as ours.

21 National Security
22 NHS

Another spot of dragon-slaying. This really is the final stroke of the detoxification programme. I am wildly interested now to compare this to the Tory and LibDem manifestos.

Sadly reading this makes me realise what a complicated set up the NHS is; I barely understand most of this stuff. I hope Mr. Lansley is all he’s cracked up to be.

26
23 pensions and Older People

Mostly uncontroversial I would have thought; nice to see that Equitable people will be getting a payout at (very) long last.

24 Political Reform

Ah, number 1 on the agenda for Mr. Clegg obviously suffered a bit in the deal.

“fixed-term Parliaments” — good? This election lasted from some time last Summer and wiped out a whole series of other, more important debates. Too long. I don’t know enough to make a judgement on the 55% issue.

AV – not right now, I’m still thinking. FPTP may not be perfect but my experience in designing complex systems suggests that that shiny perfect simple alternative you have in mind probably has some significant flaws that you haven’t discovered yet. On this sort of stuff I freely admit to small-c conservative tendencies. I don’t want an Italian government here. I don’t want the BNP in Parliament. (In fact even Caroline Lucas gives me the heebie-jeebies.)

“a commission to consider the ‘West Lothian question’” — all I can hear is Sellar and Yeatman on the Irish Question (“Henry VII was very good at answering the Irish Question…”)

“cut the perks and bureaucracy associated with Parliament” — perks for who? Vague, vague, all is vague! “We will make… the thing… be less… y’know.”

“We will ensure that any petition that secures 100,000 signatures will be eligible for formal debate in Parliament. The petition with the most signatures will enable members of the public to table a bill eligible to be voted on in Parliament.” — very few petitions, I assume, ever trouble six digits. “The most signatures” over what period? Is this going to be an annual thing, like the X Factor?

“We will give residents the power to instigate local referendums on any local issue” — nothing stops this from happening now: A campaigning group in Twickenham, for instance, set up a referendum carried out by the independent Electoral Reform Services. This means nothing at all unless there is some obligation on a local authority or other body to seriously consider referendum results where those results reach a certain threshold, surely? (Rather like the right to request flexible working — the important part is not the right to ask, but the obligation on the employer to seriously consider the request.)

28
25 Public Health
“greater access to talking therapies” — laudable, but these are still constrained by the supply of therapists. How will they ensure this supply is adequate to demand?

26 Schools

So much to think about… but I note with personal interest: “We will help schools tackle bullying in schools, especially homophobic bullying.” The talk is certainly being talked. How will the walk be walked?

27 Social Action
30
28 Social Care and Disability
29 Taxation

“personal allowance” — this seems sensible. Can’t think of an objection. Better than the 10p rate…

“budget resolutions to introduce transferable tax allowances for married couples” — last time I looked, this included civil partnerships. Does it still?

30 Transport

Electric vehicles! Yay!

31 Universities and FE

eBook DRM: Doomed, please let it be doomed

Mike — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 13:01:04 +0000

I’m not generally speaking one to take up a dogmatic position on this sort of thing, but the more attention you pay to DRM and the way it doesn’t work, the more convinced I am that there are whole industries here set up around deliberately shooting oneself in the foot.

I’ve been using my Sony eReader quite happily with Gutenberg content and some other stuff too. But when Mac “support” (and I use the term advisedly) came along, I thought I would play nicely and behave.

So I bought a very cheap book from Waterstones’ online store and decided to download it legally. First off, I had to install Sony’s Reader Library software. Sometimes it’s called the EBL, which means the same thing, you just have to kind of guess that. It looks like an Air app, but installing it requires a restart (my first in a month, but hey, I’m open minded at this point).

Now comes the fun part: downloading the book. Waterstones give me a page telling me I have to have Digital Editions installed (which, as it happens, I know I don’t, but their sales completion page disagrees with their own eBook FAQ). So I click on the Digital Editions link to see if I really can install it — and am told that whilst doing so is mandatory and supported, it is also “System”, which means impossible and unsupported:

(By the way, the brown button is a link, which I clicked hoping it would explain what was going on, but it takes you to this page. Ho hum. I’d like to know what the minimum system requirements are, because I’m doing all this on a month-old Core i5 iMac with 4GB of RAM and about 900GB of spare disk space, so their target market here is going to be pretty slim: Crays? A Beowulf cluster of them?)

OK, think I, I am bigger than this. Just because they’re saying I have to download Digital Editions doesn’t mean I actually have to download Digital Editions. I can use the EBL (that’s “EBL” for “Reader Library”, remember) instead of Digital Editions. So I ignore the warning on the site and nervously click the button anyway. Sure enough, a file downloads. Woo! I am having a success here! Much happiness. This is a “licence file” which is a pointer to content held somewhere else. Now all I do is double-click the file, and Reader Library launches. Woo!

Now it advises me that, to open this file, I will need to authorise this computer for Adobe DRM. Fine, think I, this is OK; in fact I *have* a Digital Editions account for when I was playing around with this when I first got the Reader before there was Mac software for it. So I tap in the email address, click in the password field, and then my keyboard stops working. Ten minutes of grief later, including fetching an old keyboard from the wardrobe in case the Sony software was unhappy about Bluetooth keyboards being used on password fields (laudable security-consiousness?) I realise that you actually just have to restart a random number of times and never use the mouse and then sometimes you will be able to type in the password field.

Deep breath, cup of coffee. Not that I would, but if I were to have taken the piracy route, I would now have been fifty pages into the book. As it is I have a new piece of software and a headache and less money and a wonky muscle from trying to extract the keyboard from the top of the wardrobe. But all this has been carefully planned out by all these nice people so probably it’ll all be very smooth now.

But of course, it isn’t.

Having finally got the thing to accept that, yes, these keystrokes are intended for that textfield, I triumphantly click on “Yes” to authorise this computer. The dialog box closes and… well, that’s it. It’s closed.

Skip ten minutes with Sony’s online help, Waterstones’ FAQs, and I learn that if I select “About Reader Library” it will tell me whether the computer has been successfully authorised for Adobe DRM. I duly so select and discover that all my clicking has had no effect whatsoever as this computer is not authorised, etc. etc. You could see this one coming, right?

So I repeat the whole sorry business. And it’s miserable.

And it doesn’t work.

Now fuming, and convinced that, were there justice in the world, every person responsible for this user interaction fiasco would be burning in a pit of molten glass, I decide to relax, let my mind wander, and remember that I am an intelligent software designer and that I can figure this out. Of course, the answer is to install Digital Editions (let’s just remind ourselves that, for reasons I am not authorised to know, my system doesn’t meet the fabled Minimum Requirement), authorise *that* on first run, and then restart the Reader Library. Then double-click on the book. Sorry, the licence for the book. Then it opens, then it downloads it. I weep with very joy.

Then I drag the book from the “Library” entry to the “Reader” entry and am prompted to authorise my reader…. which was fine, actually, but you can imagine the thoughts pounding through my mind in enormous nervousness.

Moral of the story: a legitimate purchase cost me a couple of quid for a sample book, about an hour and a half out of my Sunday, a headache, a pulled muscle, and total loss of any remaining calm. I realise that there are all sorts of very difficult issues here for Waterstones and for Sony in keeping publishers happy and in providing support across multiple third parties, but let’s be clear:

There was no consistent attempt on Waterstones’ part to explain what I, as an end user on a supported platform, needed to do to get the content I had purchased. The only attempt there was was basically wrong (“You must install Digital Editions”). I would recommend they test their usability on the entire product stack because even if 90% of this wasn’t their fault, it’s still their brand I had the relationship with. And I am telling people how bad it was.
Sony, Sony, Sony. You have finally done Mac support. I love you. But please user test your site and call your software by the same name throughout. I beg you. And I know it’s difficult-to-impossible with the geographically fragmented content market to give consistent directions to users, but see if there’s anything you can do. And fix the Adobe DRM in Reader Library – it’s the sole reason people install this over, say, the excellent and free-as-in-speech Calibre, so you should be testing the bejesus out of it, not releasing something that kind of works. This does your brand no good at all. And I am telling people how bad it was.
And oh, oh, Adobe. I don’t know what to say. You’ve found a market for this, you’ve sold it efficiently, but you are not delivering a good customer experience. You are, in fact, conspicuously inserting yourself as yet *another* party into a transaction which, even without your help, would have been significantly less pleasant than just plain old stealing. Sort out the message I get on the Waterstones site. Sort out the Sony Reader Library software for them (it looks like an Air app and I would assume Sony are just plugging in a DE authentication module from you rather than building one of their own)

So, maybe I will occasionally buy the odd non-free eBook through this route. After all, I’ve sorted all the tools out now. But I dread the day one of the parties upgrades something and I lose another Sunday afternoon to trying to have a bit of Wodehouse to flip through. And all of this because I was trying to give you my money! You’ve got to do better than this, guys. Manning manage to sell ebooks I can download immediately and read easily without any of this piddling about at all. Every page has my name on it. I have no objection to that, none. I have never pirated one because they’re damn good books and I believe it’s right to repay the authors. But where you are concerned, I am a pirate and must be protected against. So I, who try to do things the legitimate way, lose my temper and my hair while someone who is not so inclined can very easily just go and download the thing in five minutes and read it on any of his devices.

Could you just put up a paypal link accepting donations and let me get my content from BitTorrent? That would definitely be way, way simpler.

Beyond Belief?

Mike — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 16:51:09 +0000

Thought of the morning: Beyond Belief doesn’t ever stray particularly far beyond belief, does it. This makes it the anti-Ronseal of brands… “does everything save what it says on the tin” is rather less snappy, and I see why they haven’t chosen it for their tagline.

This stunning insight* led me to think a little more about Auntie’s approach to the whole area. Beyond Belief is part of their “Religion and Ethics” genre, which, conveniently has its own homepage, which links through to a list of iPlayer episodes categorised as ‘Religion & Ethics’. Let’s have a quick look, shall we?

Thought for the Day
Prayer for the Day (6 episodes)
Sunday Worship
Sunday
Something Understood
Bells on Sunday
Moral Maze
Beyond Belief (8 episodes)
Twin Sisters, Two Faiths
Blair’s Faith Foundation

I mean, this is probably a very secular, middle-class sort of a thought, but it does feel like the emphasis is heavily on the religious. Nothing intrinsically wrong with religious programming, of course: we have a huge number of religious people in the country, an established church, and even I enjoy a good cup of tea (which I think makes me a low-church Anglican, but please don’t take me too seriously). What I do regret is the underabundance of stuff which specifically focuses on the ethical. After all, there’s a lot to say about ethics which sits to whatever extent outside religion, along with anything from 14% to 40% of Britons, depending upon which surveys you listen to (some references at foot). There’s a whole world of illuminating philosophy about ethics to which the average Brit gets very little exposure, but which might well be a useful tool in understanding, navigating and moving forward some of the public debates happening today. After all, we still hear arguments appealing to nature which, really, anyone who enjoys modern medicine ought to be over by now.

Just a thought. But it won’t be on Thought for the Day, I can guarantee you that.

* doesn’t do what it says on the tin

References
None of these are cast iron by any stretch of the imagination and I’ve certainly not gone to great lengths since the exact figures are not central to my argument; if they’re central to yours, I’d do more research than I have here.

Adherents.com “Atheist Statistics | Agnostic” quotes several studies which I’ve not verified but which are properly referenced at least as far as I remember my MLA standards
Wikipedia has a page on the Demographics of Atheism which should as ever be approached with the usual degree of caution
If you’re really keen you could buy the British Social Attitudes Survey and let me know what it says, though I am told it offers up to 45% for “no religion”

The State of Denmark

Mike — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 18:00:30 +0000

In a rare show of unity, everyone announced today that everyone else was hideously corrupt, whilst pocketing a fat brown envelope.

Used fivers spilling out of their pockets, everyone was quick to point out that that other person over there, that shifty looking one, had definitely stuffed one of the tenners falling out of their shirtsleeves into the already groaning breast pocket of that guy, possibly whilst doing something illegal to a third person. Commentators brushed aside piles of money to point out that the third person could almost certainly sue, thus substantially enriching themselves and their lawyers.

Lord Haveringill-Fothersmyth, a cross-bench peer available at reasonable hourly rates, charged £375 to sketch out for our correspondent on the back of a blank cheque for sixty-three thousand pounds drawn on the account of a major consultancy exactly how it was that corruption had entered the very highest levels of government, apart from the bits he was involved in, as well as the media and sport. “Mistakes have been made,” declared Lord Haveringill-Fothersmyth, “and lessons will be learnt. This is a clear indictment of — what was it you wanted me to blame again?” [Ed: No! Cut this bit. His solicitors have been on the phone all afternoon and I have a week's fact-finding in the Bahamas at stake on this.]

Next: read on for our shocking exposé of corruption in the charming Hawks & Ballarat Islands, this year’s go-to holiday destination. Why not treat your loved one to “Beauty under the Sun”(TM)?

It’s All Because the Gays Are Getting Married

Mike — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 21:47:54 +0000

via Queerty

It’s a good job…

Mike — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 19:20:08 +0000

… that I didn’t go out and buy a Sony PRS-505 the other day. If I had, I’d have been tempted to eschew Sony and Waterstones’ generous promise that prices will be “Much the same as normal paperbacks” by finding a copy of, say, Neal Stephenson’s new opus Anathem on a site like Fictionwise (because Waterstones only have it in hardback and couldn’t bear the thought of cannibalising their own sales… another industry finds its Inner Dinosaur), pay for it in US Dollars, then use DRM removal tools in order to get it into a format the Reader can handle. And then not only would I have it the moment it came out, for less than the hardback price, instantly and conveniently, having saved Waterstones the trouble of trundling it around the country (and the planet the CO2 that that would have cost), but I would probably also be utterly engrossed in the doings of Fraa Erasmas and virtually unable to conduct my own life because of this engrossment.

Phew! What a relief that DRM keeps us from nightmare scenarios like this, eh?

Resolve

Mike — Mon, 26 May 2008 21:42:25 +0000

Right. Jolly good. I’ve had the most marvellously busy couple of months, which has kept me out of trouble and off the interwebs, probably to everyone’s benefit.

I’ve had three conversations with three separate people* lately which brushed gently across the same territory. The topic is, as you have probably guessed by now, my artistic input. Since you’re reading this, you fairly certainly know or are aware of me to some extent. You know that I lead a telly-free life here in the civilised London Borough of Richmond-upon-Thames, spending my evenings running loads through the washing machine on inappropriate programmes for thrills, and occasionally dipping into the print media to keep the old thinker ticking over.

The problem is that I don’t get out of the house to do it often enough. I have splendid sofas and am happy to curl up with the Riverside Shakespeare or Wittgenstein’s Poker: The Story of a Ten Minute Argument Between Two Great Philosophers, but this doesn’t fulfil the important purpose of keeping me, to borrow some hideous corporate jargon, “in the loop” with Arnold’s “sweetness and light”. (Arnold explicitly borrowed the phrase from Swift, thus proving T. S. Eliot’s point in that most undergraduate of all essays, “Tradition and the Individual Talent”. Although I suppose you could argue that it couldn’t prove Eliot’s point, given their relative dates, but then fossils do prove the odd point now and then, so perhaps it’s all just a matter of perspective — like so much in life, he said, by now so finely balanced on the fence he scarcely dared move.)

What to do? Well, since it’s (checks watch) Sweetmorn the 73rd of Discord, 3174, it feels like time for a little resolve. Since I don’t do them at New Year on principle (and with a heavy sense of my own human failing) I’m doing it at a randomly chosen date instead (rather like my birthday party and, I suppose, my housewarming, should I ever get round to it). And the resolution, O Ye of … well, Ye, is that I shall, on average, visit the theatre twelve times in one calendar year.

I don’t think a night in the circle a month is unmanageable, but busy / poor months happen, so we’re just measuring it on an average basis. This should ensure I a) don’t live like a permanent hermit, b) take more notice of the theatre-going I do do — more than I think, but I always forget about it ten minutes later — and c) give me something extra to mention at all those smug dinner parties I go to in Islington**.

I should be clear that this is not a call for tickets – I would love to come along with you, of course, but I need to organise this myself and have a sense of operacy, as I believe the smart young folk in the research institutes call it. Let’s see whether I manage. Bwahahaha.

PS Yes, I moved, yes, it’s lovely, and yes, my drying laundry is presently hanging from every possible ledge, how did you know?

* Yes, separate people. Not conjoined people. No value judgements about either group, you understand.

** Yes, you’re right, I don’t ever go to smug dinner parties in Islington. And I am rarely lost for words. In fact it’s rarer that I shut up. That’s a fault — I’m working on it, but I’m realistic. No resolving yet, thank you very much.

Completely Camera-esque

Mike — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 19:44:42 +0000

Seen on a giant ad hoarding on my way home today: “Imagine… expressing your emotions with optical zoom”

I can’t even begin to understand how I have successfully expressed my emotions all these years without an optical zoom (save the built in one, where you move the lens assembly and imaging surfaces closer to the object being imaged, often by leaning forward). This said, I am English and am therefore incapable of expressing any emotions in the first place.

In case you were wondering, yes, the same phone is also described as “Completely Camera-esque”, which for my money is right up there with Leicester police declaring that circumstances surrounding the man’s death “might have been suspicious”.

These obviously aren’t mistakes: I think “expressing your emotions” is meant somehow to be understood as a noun, a warmingly human synonym for “Samsung G800″. And it’s certainly the G800 which has the optical zoom, not my emotions, nor even the expression of them. Likewise “Completely Camera-esque” is not simply verbal terrorism, trying to inject into our ailing minds some subtle new partial quality of camera-esqueness (might such things be camera-esque-esque?), but rather has some memorable sounds in and is just compellingly awkward enough to stick in the mind. Perhaps. Now I see why I didn’t go into branding.

Wikipedia vs Conservapedia

Mike — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 22:08:27 +0000

The link speaks for itself

BBC News 24 ticker joy

Mike — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 20:36:40 +0000

“The UN Panel says every country will be affected by global warming”

Reaches for atlas. Unable to locate any countries not on the globe.

Reaches for dictionary. Unable to find relevant alternative definitions of global.

Concludes either:
a) “Global warming” now a set phrase and as such UK anglophones (at least) no longer required to consider what either of its constituent words might actually mean
b) the BBC science unit really is as clueless as everyone says.

Result:
Suspects a bit of both, disappointed in Beeb. As general loather of advertisements, and distributor of scorn upon other news networks, sad to pour scorn upon Auntie. Confused, but aware of Beeb’s ability to turn genuine science into truthy balls, and vv.