Why I Loved The Hotels I Stayed In Last Night

  1. The first hotel did not have a room
  2. … and thought my distinctly feminine roomie was a bloke …
  3. … so OF COURSE we couldn’t share a double bed! because that would be, y’know, like, GAY or something …
  4. The second hotel only had one wedding on
  5. Their bar and indoor swimming pool shared a room. Stinging-eyes cocktail bonus!
  6. Wait, their bar and indoor swim… never mind.
  7. They did a buffet English breakfast…
  8. … but waiter “service” for toast and coffee …
  9. … which therefore arrived shortly after I’d finished my main breakfast …
  10. … which I had to complete by 0930 ON A BANK HOLIDAY SUNDAY for some completely incomprehensible “reason”
  11. … and my plate was removed from in front of me while I was still eating.
  12. Fortunately the wedding party only set the fire alarm off twelve times at 1am

Moral of story:
Do not stay in tourist hotels. Ring ahead and check that they think they’ve sold you what they’ve actually contracted to supply. Never dip below four stars.

I feel like a freed hostage.