Sunday morning discovered me slumped in front of the goggle box after a splendid bash, looking for something I could use to keep my eyes occupied for ten minutes. I found a curious factoid-laden thing about Dolly Parton, which as you would expect mentioned Dollywood. In my hypnagogic state, my mind wandered off after the idea. What would it be like, I wondered, if I had a theme park? What would be in it?
The first thing I realised was there would have to be at least two or three versions. In my Sunday morning state (and as I write this at 5am on Monday, oh dear) there is plainly a need for Version One. Version One is a reasonably large field; it’s free to get in. There are a few trees in a corner, round which are huddled some car-crash drag queens who are slightly tipsy. There is a large but rather characterless 60s library; there is quiet, a graveyard drizzle, and the whole place has the scent of Larkin.
Version Two is more fun. When you show up, you’re given a whole packet of those multicoloured sparklers which Science was kind enough to create for us in the 80s. High energy pop (including of course Italian nonsense and Swedish eurojoy) plays at a non-deafening volume throughout. Candy floss is readily available, and regularly displayed in giant candyfloss rainbows. Unicorns are present. There are rides, which are often curiously calming, but the prevailing provision is of bouncy castles, trampolines, and other magics of the reverberative arts.
Version Three — well, I’m not sure the world is ready for version three just yet, but trust me, it’s really cool.
If you were a theme park, what would it be like? Comments open….