In a rare show of unity, everyone announced today that everyone else was hideously corrupt, whilst pocketing a fat brown envelope.

Used fivers spilling out of their pockets, everyone was quick to point out that that other person over there, that shifty looking one, had definitely stuffed one of the tenners falling out of their shirtsleeves into the already groaning breast pocket of that guy, possibly whilst doing something illegal to a third person. Commentators brushed aside piles of money to point out that the third person could almost certainly sue, thus substantially enriching themselves and their lawyers.

Lord Haveringill-Fothersmyth, a cross-bench peer available at reasonable hourly rates, charged £375 to sketch out for our correspondent on the back of a blank cheque for sixty-three thousand pounds drawn on the account of a major consultancy exactly how it was that corruption had entered the very highest levels of government, apart from the bits he was involved in, as well as the media and sport. “Mistakes have been made,” declared Lord Haveringill-Fothersmyth, “and lessons will be learnt. This is a clear indictment of — what was it you wanted me to blame again?” [Ed: No! Cut this bit. His solicitors have been on the phone all afternoon and I have a week's fact-finding in the Bahamas at stake on this.]

Next: read on for our shocking exposé of corruption in the charming Hawks & Ballarat Islands, this year’s go-to holiday destination. Why not treat your loved one to “Beauty under the Sun”(TM)?