Our Staff, Everywhere

Today, everyone everywhere came together in a rare show of unity to warn that everything was now worse than it had ever been before, except for that other time when it was even worse, only it might be as bad as that already.

Everyone agreed that, on balanced and mature reflection, it was all the fault of those people over there, and that they personally had been right all along if only everyone else had listened to them. (Someone else added that he had been predicting everything that has happened, along with everything else, for several years now, and it was about time some of it actually came true, if only on the law of averages.) If only something else had been done as we suggested, all were agreed, something different would have happened, although opinions varied on whether the consequences of having done whatever it was would have been better, worse, or much the same as things are now.

In other news, hail and fire mingled with blood and the third part of the waters became wormwood. A spokesperson, who asked not to be named, said, “Woe, woe, woe, to the inhabiters of the earth by reason of the other voices of the trumpet of the three angels, which are yet to sound!”

St. John the Divine was not immediately available for comment.