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I’m pleased to say that Tom’s original Delia/disaster mashup has generated a whole host of imitators, all alive to the comic possibilities of sheer gas-fuelled farce. Well, OK, 2. Now Marcus Anonymous has contributed the following receipt, based loosely on this:

Beetroot Tagliatelle

8 fresh beetroot
1 cinnamon stick
1 tbsp olive oil
2 shallots, chopped
1 garlic glove, crushed
125ml/4fl oz white wine
250ml/8fl oz chicken stock
250ml/8fl oz soured cream
1 tbsp chopped fresh dill
1 tbsp horseradish cream from a jar
400g/13oz fresh tagliatelle, cooked according to packet instructions
salt and freshly ground black pepper
parmesan, shaved into strips, to serve

Method
1. Boil the beetroot on the hob because the oven’s broken. Make sure there are too many beetroot to fit in the pot so that you spend all your time wiping the stove rather than fixing CruiseControl which you broke earlier. Remember half way through cooking that you spent £1.11 on 3 cinnamon sticks and had better chuck one in the pot.
2. Wipe the stove some more, wait for beetroot to cool, discover beetroot smell is quite pungent, even for a congested nose - open window
3. Peel & chop the beetroot into pieces that are slightly too large. Burn hands and notice red staining, rinse under cold tap for five minutes using soap intermittently.
4. Turn (electric) hob back on at full volume, then start chopping your shallots and garlic. Add to stinking hot pan oil, shallots, garlic and watch it sizzle and burn
5. Add stock. Pour 250ml of white wine into glass which previously had stock. Realise recipe only asks for 125ml. Oh well. Boil and simmer until anxiety increases by half
6. Add sour cream, don’t worry about dill. Throw in a tablespoon and a half of horseradish for good measure
7. Serve badly, seemingly ignoring presentation, realise you’ve forgotten the parmesan. Serve with a large glass of white wine for you and your companion(s) and two more bottles in the fridge.
8. Knock over a full glass of ginger ale resting on the floor from earlier. Spend 10 minutes mopping up.
10. Enjoy cold pasta with tepid sauce.
11. Discover you have beeturia.